I saw the ocean earlier this week, and stocked up enough looking to last me a good bit of time. In the roar of wind and waves is a perfect silence where one can simply be. I was.

***
I wrote words in the sand. Perhaps the best I have ever written. Then I watched the ocean claim them back. But the words were not gone, for they were also written on my heart. The ocean took my words and tickled my feet. Someday it will take back my heart as well.

***
I’ve been told twice this week that I’m going to be a fiction writer. That made me smile. I have actually been writing fiction down here in the Texas quiet. But a lot more discipline in the writing process needs to happen.

***
Blythe is one of the most amazing people I know. She’s a character as big as Texas, which is a good thing since she lives here now. She’s good folks, one of the best I know. Around her there are books and words and ideas and music. They are all moving, all at once and she’ll pick anyone down out of the air for you as soon as she thinks of it. A honky-tonk heart, she always gets the ticket and takes the ride. If you’re lucky enough to be near her, you get to take it too.

***
The longer I stay in Texas the harder it is to leave. I’ll be lonesome when I go, and I won’t lie. Driving to the coast this week, I was kicking myself for not placing the Rio Grande Valley higher on the Teach for America list. But I’ll go to Baltimore. I know that as good as Texas is for me, my feet will get to itching and off I’ll be to see the world. But when I go, I’ll take every glimpse of Texas with me - every sunset and storm, the piney woods and the gulf coast. I’ll store them up in my heart. When I need them, they’ll be there.

Go well. Stay well.

There is one thing the Missourian does better than any paper in the country and that is their Life stories section. I guess it’s not feasible that papers in larger communities offer free reporter written obituaries, but the Missourian does. And I’ve kept every note I’ve gotten from families who appreciated it. I only mention this because I think my Dad was disappointed today when the St. Louis Post Dispatch wanted to charge him about $3.00 to put a picture in the online guestbook of his baby brother Jesse, who died last week.



The Alsup's, as I know them, are a family of stories and storytellers. This is the most enduring memory I have of my Dad and his brother together. In my mind they are forever on a generous front porch of a tiny house in Barnhart, Missouri, and they are telling always stories of their family. Stories of boxing kangaroos, railroads and ranches and sweet songs through the woods. The thing about an Alsup is that stories never lose anything in the telling, and so in my growing up and the growing up of Jesse's children, I sense that we are surrounded by the half myths created by our fathers.



But isn't that true of everyone. There are family legends that grow with time, stories that become touchstones and actions that become tradition. And though I am a teller of stories, in the company of my family I am silent and captive. They are master storytellers, just as my Grandmother was a storyteller. At her feet, my childhood became rich with narrow escapes from mountain lions and bears in Colorado. Her voice could send chills down my spine the way she told about a voice in the cellar who would get Rosie on the first step. The stories would fill up whole vacations. And in the time between visits, the stories came to her youngest grandchildren from her youngest sons.



And I know that beyond this Saturday, when we Alsups will gather for Jesse's memorial service, we will be telling stories. And by the time the stories reach my children, who knows how tall they might have grown?

(Captions: 1. Jesse and Jim Alsup 2. Pricie, Jesse at Olathe Lake 3. Jesse and his nephew, Jimmy 4. Jesse, Pricie, Jim Alsup 1955 5. Jesse, Pricie, Jim 1986

On Duty
I don't submit this as a treatise on the subject, only some thoughts that have been rolling around in my head in response to my friend Alex's opinion on the matter of duty.
He rejects duty on the basis that it is a form of submission. His belief that the self and the understanding thereof is the ultimate greatest goal of existence leads him to the logical conclusion that duty because it is a form of submission has no place in the life of an individual.
Although I wouldn't classify myself as a "greatest-gooder" I do disagree with the idea that duty has no place in one's life. Individuals submit to a variety of systems on a daily basis. The laws that govern the nation, the traffic signals and rules are simple examles of systems that many submit to on a daily basis.(Copyeditors submit themselves to the dictates of style guides and grammar) These submissions not only contributes to the benefit of everyone, but it also contributes to the well being of the person who submits to it.
I agree that one should not run about willy-nilly following the whims of the masses. However, when the purpose is true and good then what is wrong with submitting to the greater goal? If submitting the self should result in the benefit of others, and also the self, then what is the harm of duty?
When is submission bad? When it strips members of society of their indiviual talents and creativity. Submission is a bad thing when it destroys freedom of thought and existence. There are numerous literary examples of this - Huxely's Brave New World, Orwell's 1984 and Rand's The Fountainhead. Rand is particularly forceful in her arguments about the supremacy of the individual over the general rabble.
I believe that there are causes that are more than "vaporous and transient" to use Alex's words. Helping others when it is in one's power to do so, protecting the environment for future generations by lowering pollution and waste are just a couple of examples.
Admittedly, my decision to teach school next year is largely formed out of my concept of duty.
Do I relinquish my liberties as an individual? No. Do I believe that my government and constitution grant me liberties? Not really. The government and constitution simply acknowledge that I possess them. Were there no government or constitution I would still retain those certain "inalienable rights" endowed to me as a member of the human race.
Finally, I believe that there are causes in which the result of submission surpasses the seeking of the self. Arguably, this submission for the greater good may be seen in the Civil Rights movement, the suffrage movement and the abolitionist movement just to name a few.

Citius, alius, fortius
On the whole I am not a committed sports fan.
College football, mild interest.
Professional football, not so much.
Baseball, I enjoy a game, I have no idea what all those numbers and letters mean.
I don't follow teams, I never read the sports page.
But for a couple of weeks every couple of years I am a rabid sports enthusiast.
I love the Olympics.
I suppose it starts in 1988, the summer games in Seoul. I don't really remember specific moments, I just have a sense of the brown carpet in our living room and my Mom's committment to the games. Through the years of my growing up are sprinkled the names of olympic greats - Louganis, Lewis, Boitano, Witt, Strugg.
I've never been particularly athletic either, but growing up I learned from Jansen and Blair that when hardwork is added to a dream good things can happen.
I've read the editorials that say the Winter Olympics are boring, but no where else is there such potential for speed, triumph and disaster.
It's not about the athletes who medal, most who go to the games don't "realistically" have a shot. They come to compete against other athletes in their prime, setting aside the politics and struggles of daily life for a brief period.
Because so much is ventured at these games, so much athletically, so much personally, so much in integrity and human spirit, because so much is given great and terrible moments occur. The games present a microcosm of the best and worst in human nature. There has been cheating. Poor sportsmanship. Rigged judging. But as terrible as the bad moments, the great moments are transcendent.
Jesse Owens triumphing in Berlin. An African-American winning not only the race, but a smaller victory against an evil dictator who wanted the games to showcase his master race. And not only Owen's, but Luz Long the German competitor who helped Owen's qualify for the long jump finals by making sure Owen's jumped before the fault line.
2002 when a young American teenager became the first woman to land 7 triple jumps in olympic competition and landed the gold as well.
Abebe Bikila of Ethiopa who won the marathon running barefoot.
Most who go to the games don't medal, but they compete under their flag for the pride of their nation and the joy of being healthy and strong and able to try great physical feats. And this is the olympics. Because no matter what the numbers say there is always the possibility and the hope that for a few minutes an athlete may overtake his or her fellows to see his or her flag raised and anthem sung.
The Olympics in such a compressed time and way show us what is to try great things, to dream, to strive, to push ourselves further than we have ever been. Is that such a bad thing to have in the world?
So I cheer for the Olympics. I follow them. I read the sports pages.
I hope they are not silly, nor outdated because the impetus behind them is good and strong.
We may not need the Olympics, but like art and music, I think they make us better individuals. The hope, the work, the ambition and passion that drive the athletes, those qualities placed in our own lives make us individuals better equipped to live well in a world and build something better for those that follow.

10 Musings...
1. I think our culture might be in a state of decline, possibly on the way to another dark ages. Discuss.
2. Esquire has certainly been paying a lot of attention to Rhett Miller of Old 97s fame. Fine with me.
3. I told someone today that the problem I had with James Frey's Million Little Pieces was not the fact that he lied, but rather that the writing was not compelling.
4. I've been thinking a great deal about Gatsby and how he reinvented himself. Is Gatsby a good life model?
5. I wonder what the great library at Alexandria was like.
6. Why don't I have ice cream right now?
7. If I took up curling, could I make it to the olympics?
8. Is anyone still reading this drivel?
9. What is the place of duty in one's life? Is duty an outdated idea?
10. These 10 thoughts are so not compelling.

Come a little closer…
There’s a weird time warp thing on I-35 between Dallas and Austin. Although the drive allegedly takes 3 hours, there is something that makes it feel like five and a half. I believe that the urban sprawl of Dallas and Austin contribute to this, and the flatness in between.
Time warp aside, the way that the plains of north Texas give way to the beginning of the hill country never ceases to be beautiful to me.
I stopped at the Czech Stop and got my usual order of 1 apple and 1 cherry kolache. Spend a quiet moment in memory with my fruit pastries, and got back on the road.

Do you fear this man’s invention that they call atomic power?
So Blythe and I are sharing a pitcher of beer at a dark little dive in Austin when the subject of the Apocalypse comes up, like it does. After solving all the problems the world we headed towards San Marcos for a small concert. Our friend Addie, whose boyfriend’s band was playing in San Marcos, told us about a honky tonk called Giddy Up’s just south of Austin.
There was a woman behind the Giddy Up’s bar who had impossibly long legs and hair that fell past the middle of her back. The regulars called her Blue and she wore cowboy boots with a red and white checked skirt and a black blouse. There was a pool table and folks two-stepping while a band played country tunes up at the front. And so it was here with a warm breeze blowing through the door, and a tall young man two-stepping a short grandma around the room that I wondered how I could possibly be leaving Texas again in the summer.

Like a band of gypsies, we go down the highway...
After introducing Blythe to the wonders of stuffed jalepenos, we set off for San Antone and the Rodeo. We found O’s new digs, met the cat and left on the adventure.
I’ve been to a couple of rodeos and one Spanish bullfight. Now, maybe I’m thinking about this too much, but isn’t it interesting that two cultures developed two different sports that involved angry bulls. Furthermore, if the bull is supposed to symbolize the struggle of life and death, then what does that say about American culture?
The bullfight wears the bull down before the matador comes out vulnerable and alone to face danger. Before the end of the bullfight, the bull has already been wounded multiple times, tired and bleeding it faces the matador.
In bull riding, the bull is healthy and the cowboy just hops on for the ride. The bull doesn’t die at the end. Does that mean that the American attitude is to just take all of life by the proverbial horns and hold on with all you got, while the European attitude is to wait life out and see if you can beat death at the end? I don’t think so, but it’s interesting, no?

And about that war…
While in San Antonio we got into a very forceful discussion about Iraq…tempers and passions and voices were raised. But I believe that we’ve got to keep talking about it, we’ve got to keep thinking about it and we’ve got to keep finding a way to make things better.

Home again
So I returned to Dallas, the laughter of my friends, the satisfaction of good discussion and the Texas wind in my hair.

Just to set the record straight…
Some folks are real picky about who qualifies as a Texan or not. I am a Texan by birth, the rest of my family are Texans by immigration and choice. But for some people, birth is the only valid claim anyone can make to being a Texan. Well, those people are snobby twits and not fit to be called Texans.
All Texans must make a choice at some point of where their home lies; no one chooses to be born here, but one may choose to leave their affections in this place. The original settlers who came from Missouri and other states made a choice to come to this hard and strange land. Texas has always been a place for wanderers, outlaws, idealists and other ragamuffin, vagabond souls. I don’t believe that Texas is an elite club entered only by birth. People get here all sorts of ways and at the end of the day they look back over their shoulders at the pink Texas sunset and call it home.
I believe that those “elite club” Texans are wrong, and shouldn’t call themselves Texans at all if they believe in ideas like “elite” and “clubs,” but they are a picky, bothersome noisy bunch. Thus, I would like to offer my own Texas citizenship in sponsorship for the recent immigrants.
Let it be hereby known that should Blythe, Bree, Aurora, Jason, or Matt ever wish to refer to themselves as Texans they may do so with full approval and endorsement of a native Texan.

I finished reading Out of Africa this evening while the light dimmed and the sun bowed its head to the inevitability of night.

Let’s come to the table and talk – Seriously folks, I want a discussion here.
In this age of instant information we have been able to watch the families of the West Virginia miners sit vigil, experience the jubilation of a hope fulfilled and descend into grief and anger after the initial report of the miner’s survival was found to be incorrect.
I watched the story unfold on the 24-hour news networks. For around two hours the networks relayed the unconfirmed reports that the miners were alive. One source from the Red Cross said that she first heard the initial report when she was contacted by a media outlet. After hearing this report, she made her way to the mine site.
It is now being reported that no official source relayed the report of survival to the families, but that they received the information from a mine employee via a cell phone.
My questions to journalists and non-journalists are the following:
1)Do journalists bear any responsibility for the information failure that occurred during the mine tragedy?
2)If so, did the pressure to bring the most recent, if not accurate, information to the public, thus keeping pace with their competitors in the news market contribute to the continued relaying of false information?
3)What safeguards could journalists have put in place to guard against the spread of inaccurate information?
4)Many of the on-site reporters spoke of the “euphoria” that swept through the crowd. Do journalists have a responsibility to not be swept up in the enthusiasm? That is, should journalists distance themselves emotionally in order to report cautiously and clearly?
5)Does a reporter’s emotional involvement in a story contribute or lead to shoddy reporting?
6)Journalists were not allowed close to the church or close to the mine site. Should they have had greater access to the site of the story? Would this have made a difference in how the story was reported?
Enough questions? I won’t ask anyone to answer them without answering myself.

1)Yes, I believe the press bears some culpability for the spread of misinformation. In one instance last night, I watched the news networks go from reporting the likely identity of the first miner that was found, to reporting as though it had been confirmed the identity of the miner. It was my impression that as one network reported the likely, but unconfirmed identity of the first miner that the other networks simply “borrowed” the reporting from other media outlets. Eventually, it was reported as coming from the AP even though the niece of the miner was still saying that the identity had not yet been confirmed. It is my impression that this spread of information from network to network happened multiple times last night, despite the lack of official confirmation from the mine company or the governor of the reports of survivors. As one network reported information, other networks seemed to pick it up as well.

2)There is a tremendous race by the news outlets to be the first with information. This is seen quite clearly in the broadcast side of things. Unfortunately, the race to be first in the market with a story sometimes leads to the reporting of inaccurate information. (Such as when Fox News and other outlets called the state of Florida before all the polls were closed in the 2000 election). I believe the race to be first also leads to the great amount of speculation and interpretation that occurs on the news networks in order to maintain continuous coverage on the major stories, often from reporters who are unqualified to comment intelligently on the subject because of a lack of expertise in the matter. The problem with journalists speculating on air or in print is that we tell the public that we report accurate information. Because of our position as information hunter-gatherers the public trusts us to have confirmed our reports with more knowledgeable sources. When we make off- the-cuff comments, stemming from our own opinions we violate that public trust.

3)One of the first things I heard as a reporter was this adage, “If your mother says she loves you, check it out.” There is tremendous value in confirming information from multiple sources possessing expert information. I have heard it proposed this morning that the best way to report this would have been to attribute the report to the families in order to remove the news outlet from the “hook” of inaccurate reporting. To attribute reports to sources is not primarily a way to hedge the news outlet’s bets. Reports should be attributed in order to provide the public with the most accurate information and to demonstrate the sourcing of the story in order to show that the journalists was not making it up out of whole cloth. Had journalists displayed caution and restraint in reporting the story, saying that reports were being heard from family members, though not from official sources as they tried to confirm the story from official sources it would have been better than reporting primarily heavily on the emotion or jubilation of the community. Secondly: Do your own reporting, do your own reporting, do your own reporting. Period. Don’t take your reporting from other journalists or outlets, try and confirm the story yourself. Thirdly, place a higher value on accuracy and truth than on being first with the story. It is good to report quickly, but it is most important that the information be correct.

4)I believe that objectivity is a myth. I believe that when a journalist cuts him or herself off emotionally from a story an important element is lost. A personal connection, an empathy is lost when journalists place themselves completely apart and separate from the rabble of the emotions of the story. News does not happen in a vacuum, journalists become a piece, a sliver of the story despite their best intentions at objectivity. Journalists must acknowledge their own biases, experiences and limitations in approaching a story. Although I think that complete objectivity is unattainable, accuracy and truthfulness is completely within the journalist’s grasp. We must report the facts, not our opinions and speculations. As journalists, we stand in for the public, we are the self-appointed eyes and ears of the nation. We have an obligation and a duty to report what we witness, not what we believe or hope or desire. We are human beings and fallible, prone to emotion and hope. But in the public trust of journalism, emotion must be tempered with wisdom and discretion.

5)Sometimes, yes. Emotion can lead to bad reporting. I feel comfortable saying that every journalist on that scene wanted a happy ending. Wanted to be able to report a success. I’m not sure that I would have reported the story any differently than they did last night. It is a sad example of reporting the story that was wanted, rather than finding the story that existed.

6)My understanding of the access allowed to the journalists is incomplete, but it seems as though they were some distance from where the events were occurring. There are many reasons to keep journalists out of a specific area – to control the spread of information, to protect the safety of both journalists and rescue workers (the thought being that valuable resources could be used to keep bumbling reporters from hurting themselves or getting in the way.) But, journalists are professionals, with a specific and important job to do. If it were possible that a small press corps could have been placed closer to the scene, I believe it might have helped the real story – that reports had not been confirmed, that reports were false – get to the public faster.

The question of whether the news media “blew the story” has just been posed by Fox News, nearly 12 hours after their correspondent broke the incorrect information. It has taken 12 hours for the news media to even acknowledge that it may have some responsibility for the misinformation.
Journalism proclaims itself the watchdog of democracy, journalists find themselves in a position of authority. But that authority is lost, the public trust is breached when we report false and inaccurate information. I heard an interview from a scholar of journalism who said that journalists may see themselves as a type of priest in a sacred order. I am no priest. I don’t believe that journalism is an inherently precious or sacred thing. If anything gives a noble air to journalism, if anything hallows the newsroom it is the communities we serve. It is the trust placed in daily newspapers. The promise that journalists will provide accurate information that will help our communities.
I would like to close with a few words of the journalist’s creed penned by Walter Williams.
…I believe that the public journal is a public trust; that all connected with it are, to the full measure of their responsibility, trustees for the public; that acceptance of a lesser service than the public service is a betrayal of this trust.
I believe that clear thinking and clear statement, accuracy and fairness are fundamental to good journalism.
Journalism has no internal board of standards, no governing body to hand down ethics and instructions. All we have is the trust that may be placed in our word. Any journalist, any news outlet, is only as good as their name. And the title of journalist is one that presupposes a commitment to truth and accuracy.

P.S. Just now, in a story on Fox News that was discussing media culpability, a judge acting as a commentator said that we may see the first instances of an emotional distress suit against media outlets as a result of this story. The journalists reply was “We didn’t start the rumor.”
To report inaccurately is offensive, but to not take full responsibility for it is inexcusable. By not owning up to factual errors, journalists further violate the public trust.

I heard an interview with a writer. When asked to talk about pivotal moments in his life, he said he didn’t really look back at his past because he was too busy looking forward. But ignored or not, the past trails my heels like a shadow. I can’t shake it, and really I don’t want to put it down. The stories and dust ridden memories remind me of who I am.
Tomorrow, the only thing that will be different in my life is the number on the calendar. But a year from now I will be different, a thousand different moments and memories will have shaped me up a little more into the person I am becoming.
In the past year I’ve stood next to a new grave, I’ve danced with a friend at her wedding. I’ve graduated from college and eschewed, at least for two years, my chosen profession of journalism in favor of teaching in a school where kids are struggling to learn. What should I say - That I laughed and cried this past year, that sometimes I did both? That’s life. Everyone on the face of the planet did those things in 2005.
So now we turn our faces to a new year that will come in the night. Maybe we stay up to watch the year turn because we are afraid the New Year will sweep away our memories and give us a clean slate if we aren’t awake to hold on to our remembers. Without our scribbles from all the years prior, how will we know where we are and where we have been?
I turn my face to the coming year and I can promise one thing in complete confidence. I will laugh and cry, sometimes I might do both. I can promise another thing too: at the end of 2006 I’ll turn another page in this story and what is to be written on that page won’t make sense without the ones that came before.
Happy New Year. It’s a prayer, really. A wish, a hope offered up, laid on someone’s shoulders in love and protection. It is a hope that one will find comrades to stand with in laughter and in not-laughter.
It’s the end of another year and I’m off to see the world, but not alone. For at my shoulder stand the people who carry my past, my stories, and so carry my future as well. Happy New Year to you all.

I savor the action of opening or closing a book, I don't know why. They are actions in which I take deliberate measure.

Tonight I finished what is essentially the last paper of my college career. In the past four and a half years, I've written on philosophy, music history, all sorts of literature, journalism ethics and British culture. And tonight was just an assignment like any other.

When I hit save and closed the document I reached down towards the text I was writing about. I removed the bookmark I had been using, set my pen off to the side and gently closed it's front cover and lay a paperweight on it so that the cover would lay flat and not half open. It's an action I've repeated so many times that I do it without thinking. As I sat back I smiled, realizing that I was done.

I closed the book. I finished my last paper. I made it through.

G.T.T. Y'all.

Poor Absalom and other musings from Bag End:
My roommate has the patience of a saint – particularly evidenced by the fact that she is still talking to me after I subjected her to a plot summary of Faulkner’s Absalom, Absalom. Forcing someone through Faulkner is just plain mean.
Incidentally, my southern literature professor said I was an exception. I would like to think he meant that my genius was obvious, but I think he meant that the fact that this is my second time through Absalom makes me seem like a freakish literary loser to the rest of the class, who feels that once is one too many times to read this book.
“Where did you read the first time?” he asked.
“My mom gave it to me for Christmas.” I said.
“She gave you an oppressive text for Christmas?” he said and laughed.
Then he asked why I came back to it.
“Once there was a summer of wisteria.” I said. “It’s beautiful.”

***
I went to the contributing writer’s meeting yesterday, and found the doubt I’ve been feeling about the profession of journalism increasing. The editor of Vox pitched a profile on a yet-to-be-determined person who is in a severe state of “arrested development.” As he put it, someone who still buys comic books, is working on their fourth college degree at age 36, someone who still drinks with the undergrads at Harpos. Someone who refuses to grow up. Now the way he said these things made it sound an awful lot like they were just looking for someone to make a fool of, someone that the entire readership could laugh at together.
It’s not the first time I’ve gotten the sense that some of the people in this journalism school would rather tear people down just to laugh at them than to help them out.
It just about made me cry, just broke my heart to hear a story pitched that sounds so mean.

***
I’m idealistic in a lot of ways, and I dig that some people think that’s not a great way to be, but at the end of the day I want to know that I helped, that I tried to make things a little better. Somebody’s got to work towards that goal, right? So why shouldn’t it be me?

***
My desk has been broken since the day I inherited it – the keyboard drawer thing has never been right. That in mind I’ve taken to jotting notes on the actual desk with my fine-tipped Sharpie pen.
Here are some of them:
Cast your fate to the wind; see what the wind brings back.
When I say I am sorry I mean that I am not yet the person I wish to be.
Chase the greater dream. The one that seems just out of reach. The one that will neither let itself be caught nor abandoned.

***
We are such dreamers. And so often disappointed.

Ain't no body die, y'all. We got her done. Yeah we did. Ain't no body die.

There were questions that I wanted to ask, but I did not ask them. Sometmes the words a person does not say are as much of a gift as the ones they do.

Did I make the right decision? (Audience response encouraged)
Today was a first for me, about 20 minutes ago I turned down a story after an editor offered it to me. My name had been suggested by the contributing writing coach. I have never turned down a story that was offered to me before, so I'm kind of questioning my choice.

The story was a Scene and Heard - a short slice of life piece in the front of the book. It's one of my favorite sections. The assignment was to go to the Cat Fanciers
Association show next weekend and find a kitty-cat tale for the magazine. I would love to do this story, but as I've mentioned before on this blog - I'm allergic to cats. So the idea of going into an show room full of cat dander and fur just didn't seem like a good idea. Particularly when I can't even spend more than 10 minutes in Patrick's apartment (his roommates have cats) without sneezing. Right. Putting myself in the middle of the flying fur would have been a bad idea. I would have been sneezing all over cats and their owners and that's no story.

Some of my most miserable childhood memories involve cats - my eyes swollen shut, incessant sneezing. As a child, I blamed the cats - I didn't do anything to them, I just wanted to pet them. Originally I liked cats. But I couldn't be around them.

To this day, I am uncomfortable around cats. I don't even like them to touch me. My favorite thing to say to a cat is "Go'on. Git."

Still there's a part of me that would really love to do the story. I mean a cat show - what even happens at a cat show? And the Maine Coon cat breed will be there - those things get to be 20 pounds.

Alas. Did I make the right decision?

I have a first draft to turn in. It is all a first draft should be according to the author Anne Lamott.

Maybe someday I will learn how not to be a reclusive and grumpy hermit when I write, but considering the amount of writers I have read about who share this affliction, I'm not holding out much hope.

I tried to tell a story. Or at least tried to drive something to an ending. And it only took two cups of tea, my left over thai food and a diet coke to do it.

In a little under 48 hours I have to turn in a first draft of a personal essay for my advanced writing class.

I'm stuck. Completely and totally stuck. Like there is a wall in my brain and the words are trying to get over and nothing. I picture it a stone wall, just too high to jump. The words, the ideas, the letters keep throwing themselves at the wall. They are not trying hard enough.

I've made a pot of coffee. The bulk of this needs to be done by early afternoon tomorrow, cause I've still got reading for Brit lit. I've been nice enough trying to cajole these little words over the wall, now it's time for business. I'm pulling them over whether they like it or not.

Maybe I need to simplify. Quit thinking of thematic elements. Quit thinking of characters and time and just tell a story. This is what happened. This is what I took away from it. Tell a story. Over a cup of coffee. Tell it to an audience. Tell a story. Just a story. An everyday story.

About a night in a diner and seven people who danced. That's all the story is. Just a spring night, a diner and seven people.

Sometimes when I'm stuck in writing, it's because I don't know how to start. This time I don't know where to start, go or end.

I sit down. I start. The writing is heavy, like an elephant. I don't mind heavy, I just need the elephant to pirouette.

The elephant refuses to dance. Just sits there on gray haunches. Looks at me, reaches out for a peanut.
"No peanuts," I say. "No. I've need you to dance," I say.
On gray haunches. Looks at me.
"Elephants aren't really made for toe shoes," the elephant says.
"But you're talking," I say. "Elephants aren't made to talk, either."
"Yes, well. Just cause your imagination gave you a talking elephant, it doesn't mean I have to dance," she says.
"Stop reaching for the damn peanuts," I say. "Why don't you have to dance? If your a figment of my imagination you should have to dance. Why, when I say dance you say -"
"Now hang on a minute. No one asked me if I wanted to be your figurative muse -"
"No muse ever came in a body like yours."
"Oo - there's no need to be catty."
"I'm just saying, if you came from my mind, then you ought to do as I please."
"I'm not even working for peanuts," she snorts. "Even figments have free wills."
"I don't really have time for this," I say. "Oh have a damn peanut."
She catches the peanuts and turns around, her gray shoulders start to shake.
"C'mon," I say. Roll my eyes. "You're crying now? Crying?"
"I-I-I am n-not crying," she cries. "It's just that you didn't have to be so harsh, if you had just asked maybe I would have danced. If you had given me a lavender tutu, some lovely ribbons. Glitter eye shadow. But now. Only demands."
I step back. I take a deep breath. I am not paid enough to work with uncooperative figments.
"Fine. Would you please try to dance."
"No. I don't dance. I'm an elephant."
"Gimme back the peanuts. Go'on, git."

I walk her to the edge of the page. "Go'on."

My natural writing voice is the voice of an elephant who wants a lavender tutu.

Just tell a story. Tell a simple story. A cup of coffee story. An all-night diner story. Tell the story. Of a group of seven who danced.

When I go for a run, I run up Garth Avenue past an elementary school, past a wooded trail and over a creek. The bridge that goes over the creek has a concrete barrier on the road side and a tall chainlink fence on the other.

Everytime I run by this chainlink fence on the bridge I have a bizarre urge to loft my keys into the air and over the fence and into the creek below. I don't know why I want to do this. Everytime I go through a dialogue in my head.

"I should throw my keys into the creek - it would be a gesture of triumph. Symbolic of some type of freedom. I would swing them once around my finger and let go, watch the sun as it would glint off the metal."
"If you toss your keys you will have no way to get into the house."
"I wouldn't even watch them hit the water. I'd just catch a glimpse of their arc over my shoulder and keep running. Maybe I would hear them hit the water."
"Do you know how sheepish you are going to feel when you have to tell your roommate/landlady/friends/family/professors/random strangers how you lost your keys."
"I could do it, I could toss 'em. But after I tossed them, they'd be gone and I'd still need them."

At this point in the dialogue I'm usually across the bridge. I have the same dialogue as I come back the other direction.

I overslept for class this morning, and needed a little warm up before I started my day, thus I give these lists that have been running around other people's blogs:

Seven things I want to do before I die:

1) Go surfing
2) Have a vegetable garden
3) Get a tattoo
4) Have a great love
5) Have some kids, take them to the circus
6) See the Northern lights
7) Be a teacher

Seven things I can do:

1) Write illustrated letters – as in little narratives with pictures
2) Whistle through my hands
3) Sleep with my eyes half open
4) Follow a recipe
5) Organize my books according to a personally devised system in which authors that were or that I think could have been friends go together on the shelf, thus Hemingway and Fitzgerald go together.
6) Wake up early
7) Turn off my alarm clock in my sleep

Seven things I can’t do:

1) Skateboard
2) Put away my clean laundry
3) Keep books from forming piles throughout the house
4) Listen to Holst’s Mars from his Planets suite – it scares me too much
5) Stomach lima beans
6) Do a pretty dive into water
7) Tell a lie

Seven things that attract me the opposite sex:

1) Generosity
2) A great laugh
3) General dorkiness
4) Confidence – but never arrogance
5) Ambition, but not in a cold aggressive sense
6) A nice beard or goatee
7) Gentleness

Seven things I say most recently:

1) Well, I figure there’s a lot of places with newspapers – one of them’s got to be hiring
2) Can I get you anything?
3) Hi, my name is Sara and I’m a reporter with …
4) Oh, I don’t really know yet but I’m casting a wide net
5) I’m writing a paper on the development of the plantation romance
6) Do you want lunch?
7) Huh.

Seven Celebrity Related Thoughts I’ve had recently:
1) My professor just called a place someone’s Xandu, that means he’s probably seen Citizen Kane
2) America’s Next Top Model starts in two weeks and I am totally watching it
3) I’d like to meet Emma Thompson
4) So not excited about the remake of Pride and Prejudice with Keira whats-her-face
5) Would Oscar Wilde be fun at parties or just obnoxious?
6) Has Sally Field done anything lately?
7) John Travolta and Tom Cruise are both weird, but I think Travolta would be more fun at parties.

My immediate response to recent occupants of Speaker's Circle:

I went to Speaker’s Circle today to listen and to watch the team of approximately 10 people, six or so of whom were holding large signs proclaiming that angry women and rock’n’rollers were bound for hell, and the rest rotating in and out of speaking and sign holding.

There I was asked if I was a Bible student. “Yes,” I said warily, not knowing if I was about to be converted by one of the performer’s number. “Well what about 1 Peter 3:15,” the man said as he shook his head at the performers. “…Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give a reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.”

We looked towards the signs, looking for the gentleness. For the metered tones and for the eagerness in sharing that hope; instead in red letters, 10 inch letters were the words, “judgment,” “sin,” and “hell.”

I went to my class; my skin full of sun and turning pink, sweat running down my neck and back. Afterwards, I returned to Speaker’s Circle, for no other reason than that I did not understand why these performers were so compelled to be there, to yell so strongly.

I did not understand why these people were compelled to say that Jesus was a capitalist. That God was not a God of poverty. That women are supposed to be babymakers, and if they have to work it means that their husband is not a good enough provider. That the hurricane was a judgment on New Orleans.

I went to a religious school for 10 years. In that time I sat through weekly chapels and daily Bible lessons. Still I must have missed the lesson where God endorsed an economic platform and political party. That was probably when I had the chicken pox in 5th grade. Also the lesson on women not having jobs or going to college, since women only exist to procreate and serve at man’s pleasure – that was probably the week that I went to the All-state academic competition. Don’t get me wrong either, I was definitely there for the science class where we studied weather patterns and natural laws of physics – and nowhere in that did we discuss God’s judgment-through-weather clause of interaction with His creation. And as for God being all for material prosperity, well I guess that my check has been lost in the mail.

I am a Christian. Not because I believe God endorses a political platform. In his own day, Christ refused to lead an overthrow of the government, “My kingdom is not of this world,” He said.

I am a Christian. I do not see this as inconsistent to my belief in the equality of the sexes. For in Christ there is neither Jew nor Gentile, nor male nor female.

I am a Christian. Not because I am looking for earthly blessings, Christ never said that His followers would get monetary end-of-the-year bonuses. Rather He encouraged the building of lasting Heavenly treasure which could not be corrupted by rust nor stolen by thieves.

I am a Christian. I am a Christian because I have seen in my life that I am a sinner, and as such have no fellowship with God, but Christ’s sacrifice and moreover His resurrection offer forgiveness and grace in order that I may enter into communion with God. It is not a state I have earned or worked for or deserve, it is a state that I have entered into and continue in by faith.

I do not say these things to the performers in Speaker’s Circle because at some level I feel burdened to try and understand these people, to come to some level ground. It is just as well, I think, that I do not speak from the crowd of hecklers because my voice is not good for yelling and I do not think that the performers know how to listen.

I know I do not speak often here of my faith. But at some point, those of us who earnestly hold a Christian faith must respond to people like these who make, purposefully or not, a mockery of the Church. We must no longer ignore these loud voices so enthralled with passing off weary and worn clichés as doctrine. We must not respond to them in anger or hate or animosity, though at least for me, groups like these are completely baffling and definitely raise my ire. We must instead continue to bear forth Truth in our lives and actions by and through and for the grace that is granted us in Christ Jesus.