Of Bears and Penguins

In defense of Virtue

There was a heartbreaking story in the Wall Street Journal today, about a trend of the spouses of Alzheimer sufferers who begin to date even as their spouse sinks deeper into the depths of mental oblivion.

The reporter says that, “Caregivers often face a stark choice: Either start an extramarital relationship and risk estrangement from friends and family – not to mention their own guilt – or live without a real companion for many years. The trend is prompting religious leaders, counselors and others to rethink how they define adultery.”

There was a seemingly unrelated story about the fact that Harvard has produced 10 Medal of Honor recipients – more than any other university outside of the service academies. The key sentence in that story was when the author said that “few of our leading newspapers…ever deem these medals worthy of front page attention.”

Now Alzheimers and Medal of Honors don’t have a lot in common, but the issues at the heart of both sentences are two sides of the same coin: the disturbing trend of our culture to minimize the lack of, or the presence of virtue.

Virtue, as Webster’s defines it, is a conformity to a standard of right; a particular moral excellence.

This is part of the criterion for Medal of Honor recipients, that they should have distinguished themselves with “gallantry and intrepidity at the risk of his [or her] life above and beyond the call of duty.”

A particular moral excellence indeed may be found in that. The fact that we still award this medal, means that somewhere deep in our cores we are able to recognize that self -sacrifice for others is an action worthy of honor.

We are reluctant to recognize the virtuous among us, because it might imply that virtue is something for which to strive and gain, and something that many of us may lack.

Which brings us back to that prickly sentence from the Alzheimer’s article about the choice that the spouses face: “Either start an extramarital relationship and risk estrangement from friends and family – not to mention their own guilt – or live without a real companion for many years.”

In sickness and in health till death does part is what the traditional vow says. Not “until a horrifying illness makes it too emotionally difficult for me to remain your steadfast and loyal partner.”

To make the vow is to acknowledge and accept the risk that one may sacrifice self, and self’s desires in its fulfillment. The very language of the vow acknowledges that there is a darkness that might impel one to consider leaving in the face of illness. However, the language of the marriage vow binds and compels one to listen to better angels, rather than to society which says, “you deserve to be happy, you deserve a companion, and if your’s proves defective than get another – even while the husband or wife of your youth still breathes.”

What insidious evil that is. We are missing the concept of what is wrong in this era of moral relativism. This time that celebrates the journey of individual freedom and discovery at the cost of honor, character and relationships; this time that elevates self-preservation above sacrifice.

The fact that clergy are rethinking what adultery is illuminates this relativism. We place our self-fulfillment and happiness at the pinnacle of what it means to live a good life, and religious leaders, counselors and life coaches who go along for this ride rather than call the proverbial spade a spade enable this, and affirm this self worship that tears the fabric of the marriage vow, that devalues virtue and celebrates moral ambiguity.

Yet there’s a kernel of hope, a small one, but still there. That family and friends would estrange the adulterous spouse, that the cheating spouse his-or-herself would feel guilty, shows that deep in our human cores we retain the voice that says, “It should not be.” In some deep hidden recess placed in us at the beginning we retain the ability to recognize virtue’s absence.

And while we retain that, there may still be hope for loyalty, for honor, for courage in the face of trials, and it is that small flame of hope that we must fan if we wish for virtue to remain a recognizable value in our culture.

Perhaps then the story will be, “Spouse sacrifices own happiness to care for ill beloved.”