Of Bears and Penguins

You tell me:

There are a lot of fights in my school. The spark can be something as little as bumping into someone accidentally, or staring at someone to the bigger ones of calling someone's mother a bitch.

I've said it all year, but my kids came to me with zero coping skills. There was no stopping point between, "I'm mildly annoyed,"and "I'm going to rip your face off." And I can't claim to have made great progress in this area.

Because here's the deal: when you have parents - who present or not, competent or not - remain their kids' greatest influencers telling their children to hit back when someone hits them, and to hit harder, then it's an uphill battle for a teacher.

Everytime I hear a parent tell a child this, or tell me that they have told their child this, it makes me viscerally angry. As I explained to one parent today, after I asked her to recondsider her position (this conference was after her son's suspension for fighting - what else), saying that not only did that place her son in danger, but it placed other children in danger as well and made the school an unsafe place. Furthermore it doesn't give the child skills to fix things with words or compromise. Which is why two of my brightest girls and sweetest girls felt it neccesary after tiffing today to say "Well I'm going have on the ground, you better watch it."

I believe these parents set this kids up for failure, and though I have heard the argument that sometimes in Baltimore the children need to know how to protect themselves, I still think it undermines the student for the parent to instruct the child this way.

The parents of course want it both ways - for the child to "protect" (more often prove) his or herself, but also for the child not to face the consequence. The above mentioned parent told her son to "hit back and [she] would take the consequences". I also encouraged her to reconsider this, reminding her that it was her son who would serve the suspension, and upon whose record the suspension would go, not hers. How much more assine could you possibly be than to say you were going to take the consequences for someone else's actions.

It just depresses me. If you want to know whether we're still going to be fighting wars 20 years from now, all you need to do is ask these parents if they're going to tell the children to hit 'em back and hit 'em harder.

If it's not one thing, it's another - and in the end it's the kids with the swollen eyes, and the missed school, and the daily fear of being hurt, who suffer the disruption of violence and who have to spend more time worrying about who put their hands on whom who suffer. Not the parents, not even the weariest, most discouraged teachers. The kids who are grabbing with hands, unclenched for the briefest of moments the world we are handing them.